Parenting Without Controlling

As Laurel is reaching an age of greater independence, it becomes more and more difficult to not spend 90% of the day saying "no" and "don't climb on that" and "take that out of your mouth." While she's never been a high needs child, Laurel has asserted herself strongly in lots of different ways since her birth.

When I foolishly attempted to put her in a crib, she let me know that was not acceptable. When I tried to spoon feed her baby food purees, she adamantly refused. Riding in the seat in a grocery cart for an entire shopping trip rarely happens. Each of these things is just one individual way she lets her daddy and me know her preference.

Before parenthood, I wouldn't have described myself as controlling and I would have easily said that I wanted to allow my child to make her own decisions and have her own opinions. However, in the day-to-day grind, that becomes more and more difficult. Most of the time when I correct her it is because she is about to do something that could result in her getting hurt or something she needs to learn to do (like brushing her teeth or taking her vitamins.) The "easy" way is usually just forcing her to do what I want, the way I want it done (which can often result in crying and fighting.)

But I don't want my daughter to think that I don't value her opinions or her feelings, and by shoving a toothbrush in her mouth, I don't feel like I'm respecting her. So the alternative is to sit with her and brush my teeth while giving her a toothbrush of her own. She will usually only put the brush into her mouth for a second or two before demanding that it be put under the faucet again. Occasionally she will let me guide the toothbrush across her teeth during this process. The repeated game of toothbrush in mouth, toothbrush under faucet takes a LONG time, but there are no tears and she's less resistant to having her teeth brushed the next time.

Bedtime is oftentimes a struggle, and as her father and I joke, if you don't get her to sleep in her 15-minute window of opportunity, she gets a two hour long second wind and it's bye-bye bedtime. We try our best to have her bath done, teeth brushed, pajamas and nighttime diaper on before that time strikes (and it's a little different time each night). But with both of us working full-time out of the home and generally not finishing dinner until 7 p.m., it doesn't always happen. Laurel has no control over when she gets a bath or when her pajamas are put on. The responsibility belongs to us to make sure those things are done in a timely manner so that she can go to sleep when her body needs to.

I'm nowhere near having all the answers, and I fail much more than I succeed, but I think most parents would agree that raising a child is a constant game of trial. An error and a mistake today can be corrected tomorrow. (Or that's what I keep telling myself.)